Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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