Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
you had me at cake vodka
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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