God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
