Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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