After last night, I could never be a politician.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
