Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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