Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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