its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
