she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
