Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
