I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
