I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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