one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
