I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
