I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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