At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
