it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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