It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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