I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
