The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
