You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
