I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
