Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
