He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize