I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
