I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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