I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
