No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
