We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Randomize
