I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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