The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
