my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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