cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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