The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
