mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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