I could make wine with my vomit
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
