i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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