The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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