I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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