Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
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