whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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