I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I smell stomach acid.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
