two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
