You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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