I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
