I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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