You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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