i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
