i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
