This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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