Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
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