What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
