I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
