I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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