I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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