Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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