I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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