the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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