im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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