singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
